Clinically Sane yet Practically Insane

And just like that

2008-06-24T17:46:00.002+06:00

Been so long I thought I had forgotten how to but I guess it's even more second nature than riding a bike. Not sure why I stopped but felt almost violated just knowing I was being read by someone who I never wanted to have any further insight into me. Enough damage done courtesty you in 3 years don't you think? I still waver sometimes, I still have it in my head even now that I am an adult, it still makes me question myself on occasions when I can't afford to be unsure. And now, sounds like you may just be following my dream. Yes it was mine. Don't you dare make it sound like it was your idea. One more faint spirited floozy by your side and you are all set. This time though, enough ms. nice guy. I can't destroy you, I am aware, but you were always your own worst enemy and finally I see you setting yourself up for another fall and I shall watch as you get crippled. Promise. Because we all know you will. Even you do.

And then it whips you in the face

2005-08-16T03:25:00.000+05:00

...and it's too shocking to even shut your eyes. And you freeze because you can't believe it's actually happening to you. You see it all. Out of body experience #582.

Maybe I really am just being a Drama Queen (DQ). No it's not entirely impossible, I know. Yes yes, even I am not perfect. (She is in a slightly modest mood today, so indulge yourself)

But seriously, I never prepared myself for such blatant set backs and hypocrisy. So I know it's apparently a man's world, and it can be the Islamic Republic of all things demonic, and I know that I should not be surprised but it really just bites. Big time. I just never allowed myself to believe any of this. Naivete or plain faith. Slice it however you want, right now all parts are equal. It was E. RVelt who said something along the lines of "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent," correct? I strongly believed it but when the hell did I sign the consent form? I don't remember any such discussion.

Always 2 options. Ready? Take the blows and carry on stronger, or take the blows and carry on stronger (as the middle finger is displayed to the world) Because you, Madam Modesty, were never the right complexion to wear failure in a complimentary manner. Terrible.

Whether it happens or not, whether the world changes or not, atleast I know that I won't let anything change me - because that would be letting them win. And what have we already said about failure?

She fixes her tiara and moves on with life...(atleast for today)

hohumbug

2005-07-30T16:11:00.000+05:00

"If you let go of love just to know if it's what you want , you will never really get it's true worth."

Hmmm. So don't believe that. Whatever happenned to soft, gentle understanding love? Since when did love become so vindictive? Besides I choose to do what I want. Yes, even if every step turns out to be my next biggest mistake.

So there!

StuckInReverse

2005-07-30T03:15:00.000+05:00

So tempting. Listening to a song from a past life can act like a time machine. Every cell is transported back and planted in another dimension. All new things learnt since are erased. What's strange is the juxtoposition of the older - maturer version of you, with the feelings of the younger - confused you. And it hits you that despite everything, you just never learnt your lesson because you would do it exactly the same way all over again.
How can you really miss someone when you aren't who you were then, and they never were who you thought they were?

Timing

2005-07-29T16:44:00.000+05:00

So important...right person, wrong time...wrong person, right time...it just has to be right down to a science.(click)
Mrs BL-Snr asked me once who the one who got away was. I was stumped because I had no clue. Every story had a logical conclusion or enough of a reason to end. But there is always that one, right? And then I saw something today that made me stop for just a single moment and look. Not just see. One of those, "when you least expect it" moments?
Probably absolutely wrong , but if it's in my head, it's not open to judgement.(snicker)
Amazing how it's not about what has happened, what can happen, or even what is happening. Sometimes, just knowing what could have happened is enough to make you smile.
Yes, one of those days when you don't have to find an excuse to be happy. Happy just finds you. (teeheehee)

Venom. Spewed.

2005-07-28T15:58:00.000+05:00

You absolutely repulse me.
I had always hoped that someday we would meet under civil circumstances and I would apologize to you for all that we had put you through. I can not believe that you manipulated a person as gentle as him and allowed him to feel guilty for simply falling in love. From what I have heard you are the socially inept one, prone to aggression for no apparent reason. You are so lucky that I have left the country and chances of us ever meeting again are slim to none. He defended you to the point of everything falling apart. It makes my blood boil to think that I actually felt any sympathy towards you. He is as dear to me as my family if not more. I pity your pathetic existence and the fact that you never appreciated a gem when you had it, you lying, two timing, gold digging parasite. If he didn't cheat on you during your big days (oh and there were some really really bad ones ms.350 pounder) then you had no right betraying his trust like this or not fessing up when you should have.
For future reference, when someone dumps you for being yourself, don't try to cling, it's highly unattractive and quite pitiful. And if you have cheated on them with 6 other guys during the course of a "committed" relationship and they leave you because they have fallen in love with someone else during your "break" then DON'T cry and make them feel guilty for a year.
I don't wish anything bad upon you, but I am gloating over the fact that I always knew you were quite a witch. I am just angry that he had to find out like this. You have really lost him for once and for all so allow me to indulge.
You did this to yourself, so great job, skank.

The Simple Truth

2005-07-25T14:54:00.000+05:00

Isn't it scary when the truth you have believed all this time just disintegrates? You are suddenly transported back in time and find yourself mentally replaying every moment and every emotion and wondering how you would have reacted if you actually new the REAL truth all along. Torture. I feel like your truth just stole three years of my life. Damnit. Nothing can be undone because I am not who I was then. The choices.
I hate lies. With a passion. Even teeny tiny "you didn't think it was a big deal" ones. If it's a lie, then it's big, bad and black. Makes me wonder how many lies go undetected around me in a day and if I knew the truth, what would be different.

Where is Happy when you need him?

2005-07-22T16:32:00.000+05:00

Really, where?
Woke up with "that" feeling today.
2 options: crawl back in or jump up and greet the world with a smashing attitude and open smile. I think I will pick the crawl.
This is a total rant. Tired of it all. Tired of undying loyalties and "friendships" that go haywire because of useless chemistry. Why not for once actually be adult about adult things? If you make a choice to let something impact you then atleast be responsible with your reaction. How easy is it to avoid it all and pretend that nothing was ever there for things to have gone amiss. How juvenille to play cat and mouse online and in life. The truth is that there was very much a friendship there even if it was new, and that there is a void now. I refuse to believe I am imagining the void. Whats irritating is that there is no choice. The sentence has been delivered with no room for appeals. Fair enough. Have it this way. I still don't think you care, and I doubt I ever will.
Hmmmph.

What it Means

2005-07-20T01:42:00.000+05:00

"He grabs her by the shoulders and pushs her repeatedly against a wall. Twists her around and traps her throat in the nook of his elbow. Screams. Silence. Screams. Silence. Black out."

The drama never ends but I had to document this. Life always makes for such interesting writing material for the future. In the middle of the happy chaos of new beginnings the darkness exists. So easy for me to pretend and ignore it all. You, yes you. Thank you for being proud of me. Means the world. You are still the one who gets it all and still just doesn't get me. Irony, huh?

Your Day

2005-06-20T10:13:00.000+05:00

So even though you always told me every day was your day, I just wanted to wish you on this Hallmark holiday. Thank you, old man, for being the inspiration in my life. Even now that you are gone, it's what gets me through the day. Times have been tough, and I know since yesterday, I am headed for tougher times to come but as you said, it's not if you win or lose, it's how you play the game. I believe you are still watching over me and that's why I am here today. And I will play fair. Promise. It's good to be closer to you baba.
I lined up the awards today and as I read the inscriptions, I knew how much it would have meant to you.
Fruit baskets, mithai and chocolate cake. All for you. Thanks for bringing me into this world. (Even if my world kinda sucks right now!!)
Owe you big time.

My Baba, my Strength

2005-06-10T20:59:00.000+05:00

Everytime I miss you,

all I have to do is look with your eyes,

and I find you.

Thanks, (Old Man)

No Value Judgements Please.

2005-06-09T01:31:00.000+05:00

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, wine in the
other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn
out and screaming "WOO HOO what
a ride!"

idontcarewhatyousay.

TalkingInMySleep

2005-06-09T01:01:00.000+05:00

Wow. 8 years. 1 job. 4 promotions. 3 apartments. 3 relationships. 1 engagement. 1 death. 2 births. And she is moving on.

It's such an odd feeling. No more "tall americano with no room for milk" in the AM. No more Beacon Street. No more Green Line. No more homeless Michael in the park. No more Pilates on Wednesday. No more blue bowls at Cactus in the summer. No more deep fried calamari. No more Mariott Cafe after a day at Copley. No more running along the Charles. No more 33, Caprice, and China town. No more xyz@bankofthedevil.com

No more. Just no more Boston.

But plenty. And I mean plenty more to look forward to in my city by the sea. And that no one can take away from me.

Faith. It's back. Everything happens for a reason.

"She was crazy for you
and now she's part of something that you lost.

For all you know this could be,
the difference between what you need and what you want to be"

Always a reason. Because, really, what do you know?

Why now?

2005-05-31T02:44:00.000+05:00

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light. Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get, is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop, before I see things the right way up.
All that noise, and all that sound. All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound, to show
you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground, if you could see it then you'd
understand?
-coldplay 2005. (The beginning or the end)
Another ughh in all things demonic. What is it about leaving that is so similar to dying? If I had just a day left, what would I do with it? It's exactly what I have left yet I decided to give it to me. To revel in things that are only me, mine, my secrets, my darkness, my joy, my gloating. So me. For such a little while.
Everyonce in a while, someone walks into your life that makes you not only break, but doubt all your own rules. I was her. Will I continue to be her? Time.

Just like that.

2005-05-20T05:19:00.000+05:00

It's back. It still hurts and I could swear it hurts more than the last time or the time before that. It just feels prohibitively painful, like someone is taking an ice pick and consistently jabbing it in your side. The left side. I think. I know you never meant for it to hurt like this but really I am not making this up. I wish I were being dramatic. I finally get what it means to suffer pain in a lost limb. Sympathy pain? It's not there, so it can't really hurt, but it does. Neither are you. Yet I do.
Yuck. Terrible terrible silent screams. If I hold my breath maybe it will all go away.
Let go. Still.
I wish you were here. I wish I were angry.

The Game

2005-05-20T05:14:00.000+05:00

"If you decide you must play, decide upon 3 things at the start: The rules of the game, the stakes and the quitting time."

Your Punishment. My Temptation.

2005-05-16T08:57:00.000+05:00

She laughs. He chuckles. Like strangers they will meet again.
You are the fuel stop on the highway of my life . hahhahaha
He comes back. Again.
Two lives, separated all century. Entwine for a reason.
Distraction?
Prolonging the torture. Extending the longing.
Till we touch again
He licks his lips, miles away, and hopes to taste her on his mouth.
Deception. Betrayal.
He thinks. Reality. She knows.
My tormentor. I worship you. Had we met before.
The rational is unclear. Pinot has that effect.
If only it were the grapes.
They carry on. With life. Each unaware.
the anguish of the other. Games.
I never lied to you. I wonder why now.
She will never hurt him. She knows why now.
29.02.92. The day that doesn’t exist.
Life changed.
I can only listen to you feel.
The distance multiplies the depth.
Not to hold you. Just to feel you.
Never to cry. Wonder. Wish.
He will move on. He will not long.
She will take a part.
The unknown. Forward.
Never look back. The truth is found
in unplanned games.
I never planned you.
Yet you were played. You never played me.
She became yours.
Arrogance will always be your color on me.
She looks away. The sun is blinding.
The fun, in this life, is over.
The planned days begin.
Relentless relief consumes.
They all wonder why.

No Love Greater

2005-03-23T23:41:00.000+05:00

I get the pattern. 3 Bad days. 1 Good day. How long for though? Not being impatient, just checking when this personal hell ends. I know yours is greater than mine but see it's all I ever knew. Your love. Your strength. Your example. And for some bizarre reason I believed in your immortality. I know, foolish girl.

They think it should be over by now. It's been a while. How do I explain that it's just beginning now. It's harder than ever to start a day now because I know exactly what lies at the end of it. One more day of not being able to hear your voice. Did I tell you how much I love you, enough? I know, selfish girl.

You tried to prepare me. You did a great job. Not you. It's me :) I can't believe that something that is there one day, just disappears the next. Ok not into thin air but almost...

I am a part of you. Each day I am more you than I was yesterday. If my source of strength leaves, do I stop being strong too? If I can't see you being proud of me, will I stop making you proud? Scary thought.

Jacket potatoes. Gourmet... Gourmand....Growmet...hahhaha

I just miss you. So much. I love you. Much more. No love like yours.
Didn't know what loss was until the day I lost you.

Death of a best friend(ship)

2005-03-23T02:38:00.000+05:00

I have to wonder sometimes. Do you miss me as much as I miss you? (I sound like the opening of a cheesey country song!) Do I ever cross your thoughts even though there are better things occupying your thoughts now. Not being holier than thou, but life hasn't been a path through fluffy clouds for me lately, yet I still think about you. Not because I need you (that too) but because I want you to be ok. The instinct to survive is by far the strongest in all of us and I know we will both eventually be fine. Just want to make sure if this is how you want it. Actually I'm lying, I know this is how you want it. Just hoping you'd want things to change.

What triggered this?

Thought of the tennis-playing-aristocratic-buffoon (with your hairstyle!) that we met at Vox and cracked up. Would you remember now if I made the reference? Robert Palmer girls on Halloween, Outfits for HHs, SouperSalad with D, Stinking of the sushi buffet during work, No one gets Bruce D'Costa like you do, Neela and gujju food stench on finger tips, Saks, Finding the right boots every winter, Chapts pedicures, Lavish birthdays, Bonding over major heart breaks @ *bucks, Emails passwords, Wedding Planning and then Planners(!) Macho ex-es that left us stronger...I never replaced you. I can't. Never even tried. I guess I can't understand how things just change. Again I lie. I know how they change, I just don't believe they have.

It's over. I know. I'll be gone soon. I know. The question is will I leave by setting the record straight or get even by not even trying?

I miss you. Miss us. Not me when we were us. Or you when you were us. That's enough to crack us up. Again. Cracking up on long drives. Our appetite. Hahahahha. Walking it off to Cheesecake Factory and inhaling 700% of our required caloric intake...and that's pre-dinner!

I have to wonder though. Do you still care?

If only...

She Indulges You

2005-03-15T21:30:00.000+05:00

...and reveals herself.

How can you know if something is real?

2005-03-11T01:25:00.000+05:00

Want you to know that this is real. Everything is. Just because you can't touch it and feel it and see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It does. And someday you will believe me. You will take that leap into the unknown (I know you have already) It's just that step. That final -shut your eyes and jump with me- kind of faith. You will have it. I know it. Such a cliche but so true : so close, yet so far; so far, yet so close.
Here's the thing (yes "the thing") It takes time. And that's all I have to give you. Time. Take it. Dwell, revel, use. All of it. All of me. Just Believe because that's half the game. No, no more games. Ever. Forever?
Your fear makes me stronger. Your uncertainity makes me stable. Without you I am alive, but with you I am happy. Yes, that simple. In my madness I pray you never feel the way I do because I would be jealous. Mine to feel. Mine to cherish. Yours to believe.
"You are me, I am you. A part of my world. My world. Never run from my world, because my world is where I run to."

Amazing.

2005-03-10T03:34:00.000+05:00

A voice from the past can really make you appreciate how far you have come in the present.

Then you spoke to me...

2005-03-01T09:10:00.000+05:00

...and my world smiled.
Early morning. You missed me and wanted to talk. Glad for once the demons didn't stop you.
Amazing how life just goes from "Ughh" to "Eeek" in a heartbeat and even the fact that you are having a bad hair day and the hotel can't get turn down service right, can't get you down. Thank you for walking back in. I really needed it right now.
I don't want to upset you. Don't want you to feel like I can't do this on my own. But I can't. I do need you, but if I say that, I don't want you to feel compelled to stay. Being compelled to stay will drive you away.
Catch 22.
-a.
always your little girl.

"Don't try to destroy a beautiful part of your life just because remembering it hurts."

2005-02-26T05:04:00.000+05:00

Sometimes strangers can make so much sense without even trying.

The realization that life has it's own way of re-teaching you all those lessons you forced yourself to forget can be quite humbling. Faith. How could I forget Mrs BL-Snr? I have it right over my desk. It's been 8 years and I still believe. So the vision gets blurry, and the concepts are a little fuzzy but the core stays the same. Yes, there will be days. The pendulum will continue to swing and sometimes it will stay stuck on one end for a while but you always know it will swing back to the other side. It can't not do that. Why? Because it's a pendulum, dammit, and that's what they are supposed to do. If that's blind faith then so be it.

That's what's been bothering me. Not being ME. Once upon a time being cynical was cool. But that's not her anymore. Not the her I want to be. Not dark. Not morbid. Not sad. A little strange. A little evil. Sometimes even a little lost (because that is just so much fun) But never, god never, without faith.

The moment she had decided that, the little girl crawled out from under the desk and smiled...

So me!!

2005-02-26T04:49:00.000+05:00

...and sometimes one bu-wah-hahaha is all that it takes.

I want to...

2005-02-25T05:30:00.000+05:00

Trying to shake it all off and move on. Proving to be tougher than you knew. But, then again, what do you know? Since when are you the authority on my levels of sanity?

I want to...

Indulge in happiness. Guilt free.
Carry on and not feel like I let you down.
Curl up under my desk and act like a 4 year old who lost her favourite doll.
Delete all pictures from good times.
Frame all pictures from forgotten times.
Work harder than I have in 4 years.
Call YK at SoTech and tell him exactly why I didn't renew the contract. And yes it was ME.
Get through one Sunday without wanting to call you and tell stories from work that I know would make you proud.
Believe it when you tell me this is forever.
Stop holding my breath, waiting for Krash.
Tell you I missed you once but one day I just stopped and I still can't understand why. And that scares me.
When I say it's all good, really mean it.
Vent to you without feeling like I could never compete with your losses...but you are the only one who "gets" it
Just have faith. In everything. All over again.

When happiness used to be this easy...

Careful What I Ask For

2005-02-24T00:46:00.000+05:00

HAHAHAHHAHAHHA so much for using examples of my Inbox. I just logged into hotmail and ALL my mails are gone. Some strange technical error but really...it's the weirdest feeling. I had 667 unread messages (yes!) but now that they are all gone, i suddenly miss them and want them back.

When I know this is how I am, how can I possibly blame someone else for being this way too?

If only I knew then....

2005-02-23T03:05:00.000+05:00

Going through life avoiding the What Ifs. I tried it. Doesn't work. It's all about the What Nows because inevitably there is a What If out there you just didn't see or just weren't prepared for.

Take it as it comes. Why is it coming down so hard though? And now that it is...What Now? What had to happen has happened. But that was yesterday. So much has happened since then. Why can't life be like my Inbox? If the unread mails don't fit on one page, they just go onto the next page, out of my line of vision. Yes yes, Ostrich Mentality (OM) That hole in the ground certainly feels like a happy place right now...

One more day, one more hour of lucidity. That's all I asked for. But how would I have used it? How could I have avoided that What If? What scares me is the knowledge that on some level I always wanted that What If to be a What Now. But that is a whole different blog for another day...

The day of Ughh

2004-11-13T15:32:00.000+05:00

No not the boots. Just the mood.

Although, the boots definitely make more sense in their hideousness now that I dwell on the mood. They are so ugly (for lack of a more descriptive word) yet almost comforting in a calm sort of not-everything-has-to-be-perfectly-put-together kind of way. So it doesn't right? Sometimes chaos can be soothing and order can be disturbing. Or am I just cementing the case for Aida vs Sanity (2004) where clearly Sanity is losing.

So , coming back to the point. Why the ughh? I know it's just a film of uncertainty that will disintegrate if I shake it off, yet shaking is what I am scared off. Terrified of tipping the balance, messing with the status quo (phrase of the month #459) I know I need to grab my world by the shoulders and just give it a quick shake. The problem is, I know exactly what needs to be done, I just don't want to do it. Almost more comforting to be so vague right now and convince yourself you are lost than to acknowledge what you are seeing and restore the order. Kinda like the Uggs. Maybe the designer knew exactly what would look pretty and pleasing, yet he rebelled just for the heck of it and in turn created this new trend to appreciate the ugly. We happliy fell for it because deep deep down we know Ugly is definitely a familiar place, and pretty just scares us.

Here's to another cold cold season of flat, large and simply awkward Ughhs....

2004-11-13T12:37:00.000+05:00

Ugly to boot