"Don't try to destroy a beautiful part of your life just because remembering it hurts."

Sometimes strangers can make so much sense without even trying.

The realization that life has it's own way of re-teaching you all those lessons you forced yourself to forget can be quite humbling. Faith. How could I forget Mrs BL-Snr? I have it right over my desk. It's been 8 years and I still believe. So the vision gets blurry, and the concepts are a little fuzzy but the core stays the same. Yes, there will be days. The pendulum will continue to swing and sometimes it will stay stuck on one end for a while but you always know it will swing back to the other side. It can't not do that. Why? Because it's a pendulum, dammit, and that's what they are supposed to do. If that's blind faith then so be it.

That's what's been bothering me. Not being ME. Once upon a time being cynical was cool. But that's not her anymore. Not the her I want to be. Not dark. Not morbid. Not sad. A little strange. A little evil. Sometimes even a little lost (because that is just so much fun) But never, god never, without faith.

The moment she had decided that, the little girl crawled out from under the desk and smiled...

So me!!

...and sometimes one bu-wah-hahaha is all that it takes.

I want to...

Trying to shake it all off and move on. Proving to be tougher than you knew. But, then again, what do you know? Since when are you the authority on my levels of sanity?

I want to...

• Indulge in happiness. Guilt free.
• Carry on and not feel like I let you down.
• Curl up under my desk and act like a 4 year old who lost her favourite doll.
• Delete all pictures from good times.
• Frame all pictures from forgotten times.
• Work harder than I have in 4 years.
• Call YK at SoTech and tell him exactly why I didn't renew the contract. And yes it was ME.
• Get through one Sunday without wanting to call you and tell stories from work that I know would make you proud.
• Believe it when you tell me this is forever.
• Stop holding my breath, waiting for Krash.
• Tell you I missed you once but one day I just stopped and I still can't understand why. And that scares me.
• When I say it's all good, really mean it.
• Vent to you without feeling like I could never compete with your losses...but you are the only one who "gets" it
• Just have faith. In everything. All over again.

When happiness used to be this easy...

Careful What I Ask For

HAHAHAHHAHAHHA so much for using examples of my Inbox. I just logged into hotmail and ALL my mails are gone. Some strange technical error but really...it's the weirdest feeling. I had 667 unread messages (yes!) but now that they are all gone, i suddenly miss them and want them back.

When I know this is how I am, how can I possibly blame someone else for being this way too?

If only I knew then....

Going through life avoiding the What Ifs. I tried it. Doesn't work. It's all about the What Nows because inevitably there is a What If out there you just didn't see or just weren't prepared for.

Take it as it comes. Why is it coming down so hard though? And now that it is...What Now? What had to happen has happened. But that was yesterday. So much has happened since then. Why can't life be like my Inbox? If the unread mails don't fit on one page, they just go onto the next page, out of my line of vision. Yes yes, Ostrich Mentality (OM) That hole in the ground certainly feels like a happy place right now...

One more day, one more hour of lucidity. That's all I asked for. But how would I have used it? How could I have avoided that What If? What scares me is the knowledge that on some level I always wanted that What If to be a What Now. But that is a whole different blog for another day...