No Love Greater

I get the pattern. 3 Bad days. 1 Good day. How long for though? Not being impatient, just checking when this personal hell ends. I know yours is greater than mine but see it's all I ever knew. Your love. Your strength. Your example. And for some bizarre reason I believed in your immortality. I know, foolish girl.

They think it should be over by now. It's been a while. How do I explain that it's just beginning now. It's harder than ever to start a day now because I know exactly what lies at the end of it. One more day of not being able to hear your voice. Did I tell you how much I love you, enough? I know, selfish girl.

You tried to prepare me. You did a great job. Not you. It's me :) I can't believe that something that is there one day, just disappears the next. Ok not into thin air but almost...

I am a part of you. Each day I am more you than I was yesterday. If my source of strength leaves, do I stop being strong too? If I can't see you being proud of me, will I stop making you proud? Scary thought.

Jacket potatoes. Gourmet... Gourmand....Growmet...hahhaha

I just miss you. So much. I love you. Much more. No love like yours.

Didn't know what loss was until the day I lost you.

Death of a best friend(ship)

I have to wonder sometimes. Do you miss me as much as I miss you? (I sound like the opening of a cheesey country song!) Do I ever cross your thoughts even though there are better things occupying your thoughts now. Not being holier than thou, but life hasn't been a path through fluffy clouds for me lately, yet I still think about you. Not because I need you (that too) but because I want you to be ok. The instinct to survive is by far the strongest in all of us and I know we will both eventually be fine. Just want to make sure if this is how you want it. Actually I'm lying, I know this is how you want it. Just hoping you'd want things to change.

What triggered this?

Thought of the tennis-playing-aristocratic-buffoon (with your hairstyle!) that we met at Vox and cracked up. Would you remember now if I made the reference? Robert Palmer girls on Halloween, Outfits for HHs, SouperSalad with D, Stinking of the sushi buffet during work, No one gets Bruce D'Costa like you do, Neela and gujju food stench on finger tips, Saks, Finding the right boots every winter, Chapts pedicures, Lavish birthdays, Bonding over major heart breaks @ *bucks, Emails passwords, Wedding Planning and then Planners(!) Macho ex-es that left us stronger...I never replaced you. I can't. Never even tried. I guess I can't understand how things just change. Again I lie. I know how they change, I just don't believe they have.

It's over. I know. I'll be gone soon. I know. The question is will I leave by setting the record straight or get even by not even trying?

I miss you. Miss us. Not me when we were us. Or you when you were us. That's enough to crack us up. Again. Cracking up on long drives. Our appetite. Hahahahha. Walking it off to Cheesecake Factory and inhaling 700% of our required caloric intake...and that's pre-dinner!

I have to wonder though. Do you still care?

If only...

She Indulges You

...and reveals herself.

How can you know if something is real?

Want you to know that this is real. Everything is. Just because you can't touch it and feel it and see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It does. And someday you will believe me. You will take that leap into the unknown (I know you have already) It's just that step. That final -shut your eyes and jump with me- kind of faith. You will have it. I know it. Such a cliche but so true : so close, yet so far; so far, yet so close.
Here's the thing (yes "the thing") It takes time. And that's all I have to give you. Time. Take it. Dwell, revel, use. All of it. All of me. Just Believe because that's half the game. No, no more games. Ever. Forever?
Your fear makes me stronger. Your uncertainity makes me stable. Without you I am alive, but with you I am happy. Yes, that simple. In my madness I pray you never feel the way I do because I would be jealous. Mine to feel. Mine to cherish. Yours to believe.
"You are me, I am you. A part of my world. My world. Never run from my world, because my world is where I run to."

Amazing.

A voice from the past can really make you appreciate how far you have come in the present.

Then you spoke to me...

...and my world smiled.
Early morning. You missed me and wanted to talk. Glad for once the demons didn't stop you.
Amazing how life just goes from "Ughh" to "Eeek" in a heartbeat and even the fact that you are having a bad hair day and the hotel can't get turn down service right, can't get you down. Thank you for walking back in. I really needed it right now.
I don't want to upset you. Don't want you to feel like I can't do this on my own. But I can't. I do need you, but if I say that, I don't want you to feel compelled to stay. Being compelled to stay will drive you away.
Catch 22.
-a.
always your little girl.